I have so many thoughts. There are so many things that I want to do that I can't. I wish I knew where my life was going... what's going to happen next, and after next. I'm so lost, I don't even want to think about what my life would be like without God. I know He is the only one that can give me purpose, joy, understanding.... and anything else, really. But I don't know what to do to get those things besides ask. Is that all I can do? Ask and wait?

I get like this sometimes; wondering why the heck this whole live on a fallen earth thing has to exist, and what I'm supposed to do with it. I know God wants me to do something, but I don't know what and I don't know how. Sometimes I just get impatient. I guess I have trouble trusting that everything is going to be ok. For some reason I feel like I'm going to mess up whatever perfect plan God has for me. Part of me hates having free will... it scares the crap out of me.. because I don't want to mess my life up. I stress out over every decision. I'm afraid I'll choose a route that will lead down a mediocre life instead of a great one. And then I realize that I talk about my life like it hasn't happened yet, because in a way I'm still waiting for it to get good. But this in my life, and that's even more depressing. I'm stuck in this limbo period of school and poverty where I feel like I can't do what I want until the period ends.

But God says that all things work together for good to those who love Him. So no matter what route I choose He'll make it good?

I guess if I knew the plan I wouldn't have to trust Him. I think God will put me wherever He wants me. He does say don't worry or be afraid more than just about anything.

And this is a whole other post.. but what am I worried about anyway? What is a bad future or life? If I spend the rest of my life poor... all my treasure will be in heaven. If it's hard.. well God tells me I can rejoice in hard times. And no matter what I go through, I know He's got me in His hands.

So, no, I don't have anything to fear. My God is bigger than anything else; He created everything else. And He's got a huge picture of things that I cannot even begin to understand. One day I will lay at His feet, but until then, I will patiently wait here; I wont make my own agenda, but I will serve Him in whatever life He sets before me.

Here I am Lord, send me.

When I got home from work the other night I was surprised that Colby was still up. Earlier that day he declared that he was going to go to bed at 10. Well I wasn't surprised when I found out the reason: he was on the floor playing chess in his underwear. I did laugh, though. Pooper's latest addiction is chess.com. You play chess online with ner--smart kids... from all over the world. And to top it off, it's "very convenient" because you have at least 24 hours for each move! So, he was having trouble deciding his next move against a lad from Great Britain (I was corrected after wrongly claiming he was from England), so he broke out his club chess set with triple weighted pieces (from me, of course) to determine the best strategy. We came up with "a plan" that would either result in check mate or poop taking Great Britain's Queen. Teehee :D. So we had a little quality time, and as un-fun as it may sound, I enjoyed it a lot. We had fun together, we usually do.

Sometimes you just need to stay up past your bedtime and play chess in your underwear.

Other recent activites:
Spent three hours making spaghetti and meatballs. We went through several commercial breaks on our newly established cooking show "Don't put poop in the food, Pooper!" and Colby was still dicing onions.

Tie dye. Well, I tie dyed for both of us because he was too miserable to do anything but go to bowling league because of his self-inflicted poison ivy. He wants me to say "self-inflicted" because it sounds better than "YOU DID THAT TO YOURSELF!"

I read Yahoo! User's Top 30 Animated Films and I thought it sucked, so I made my own. Ok, top ten'll do.

1. The Beauty and the Beast
2. The Lion King
3. Peter Pan
4. Toy Story
5. Aladdin
6. Lady and the Tramp
7. Cinderella
8. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (Props to the one that started it all).
9. The Grinch
10. Rock-A-Doodle

Some must be mentioneds: The Rescuers Down Under, The Emperor's New Groove, The Little Mermaid, Sleeping Beauty, and The Pebble and the Penguin.

I am now a Blogspotter.