I have so many thoughts. There are so many things that I want to do that I can't. I wish I knew where my life was going... what's going to happen next, and after next. I'm so lost, I don't even want to think about what my life would be like without God. I know He is the only one that can give me purpose, joy, understanding.... and anything else, really. But I don't know what to do to get those things besides ask. Is that all I can do? Ask and wait?

I get like this sometimes; wondering why the heck this whole live on a fallen earth thing has to exist, and what I'm supposed to do with it. I know God wants me to do something, but I don't know what and I don't know how. Sometimes I just get impatient. I guess I have trouble trusting that everything is going to be ok. For some reason I feel like I'm going to mess up whatever perfect plan God has for me. Part of me hates having free will... it scares the crap out of me.. because I don't want to mess my life up. I stress out over every decision. I'm afraid I'll choose a route that will lead down a mediocre life instead of a great one. And then I realize that I talk about my life like it hasn't happened yet, because in a way I'm still waiting for it to get good. But this in my life, and that's even more depressing. I'm stuck in this limbo period of school and poverty where I feel like I can't do what I want until the period ends.

But God says that all things work together for good to those who love Him. So no matter what route I choose He'll make it good?

I guess if I knew the plan I wouldn't have to trust Him. I think God will put me wherever He wants me. He does say don't worry or be afraid more than just about anything.

And this is a whole other post.. but what am I worried about anyway? What is a bad future or life? If I spend the rest of my life poor... all my treasure will be in heaven. If it's hard.. well God tells me I can rejoice in hard times. And no matter what I go through, I know He's got me in His hands.

So, no, I don't have anything to fear. My God is bigger than anything else; He created everything else. And He's got a huge picture of things that I cannot even begin to understand. One day I will lay at His feet, but until then, I will patiently wait here; I wont make my own agenda, but I will serve Him in whatever life He sets before me.

Here I am Lord, send me.